Let's see.... Simon the bionic... Raccoon! Part 1!

Simon woke up on a sunny summers day, he stretched out his funny little raccoon paws and yawned, as he commonly did in the mornings, and clambered out of the egg carton in which he slept. Obviously, he slept in the lid half, not the lumpy bit, although there were many advantages to his sleeping arrangements. For instance, when he wanted to have a jam session he could just flip it closed and have the sound proofing already taken care of! Also, he could put eggs in it.

Simon climbed out of bed and went to turn on the television. Because he was a raccoon he tuned in to raccoon TV, and he watched his morning cartoons, which were all about human beings, drawn so they had raccoon like features, doing funny things involving anvils.

For breakfast, Simon had an egg.

Afterwards he brushed his teeth yet in a very cool bionic way. Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and Simon knew he faced his greatest threat yet!

TO BE CONTINUED

Simon the Bionic Raccoon! Part 2! ... Which I wasn't intending to write!

PREVIOUSLY ON SIMON THE BIONIC RACCOON - Simon the bionic raccoon woke up, only to find everything was normal. But when he went to brush his teeth, he heard a knock on the door!

AND NOW!

Throwing himself to the floor and quickly rolling under his couch as his secret special ops military training taught, Simon attempted to become perfectly silent, however years away from his experimental unit had dulled his razor sharp survival instincts as he had not cleaned under his couch for quite some time, and so a dust bunny wafted into his nose, causing him to sneeze.

The door made a sudden "ah hah!" sound, but using his carefully trained bionic ears Simon quickly deduced it was an audio illusion, as the sound had actually come from a creature standing on the other side of the door, not the door itself.

"Mailman!" the voice shouted. Simon's ears untensed.

"OF TERROR!" the voice continued! Simon's ears resumed their erect position.

"ABLE delivery performance." the voice continued. Simon relaxed.

"BECAUSE I'M REALLY A KILLER!" the voice continued. Simon's ears returned to their erect position.

"DANCER, since I've been taking night lessons and that's why I wake up late and cause my deliveries to be slow. Um, just so you know." the voice continued. Simon relaxed. Then threw some ninja stars at the door using his bionic arms.

The postman's voice took on a cruel tone, as if acknowledging that the time for pleasantries were over. "A nice try Simon the Bionic Raccoon, but you missed, as you hit your own door instead!"

Simon stood up and made himself a martini. "Did I?" he replied coolly. "Did I really?"

There was a stunned silence. The doorhandle turned and the door swung out, the postman's head stuck out to confirm that the ninja stars did indeed hit the door and not himself.

Simon stood up and looked triumphant. "You fell for my trap! I was simply playing mind games with you and now you have fallen for it you are 100% defeated and there's nothing you can do!" Simon drew some small diagrams on a near by blackboard to explain for the audience.

Acknowledging his clever defeat the mailman surrendered his swirling orb of mystical power. Simon would now only need to collect two more to unlock the ancient tomb and face the world destroyer.

Simon struck a cool pose while he worked out how many experience points and gold pieces he had gained from the encounter, but suddenly, his house exploded!

TO BE CONTINUED

Simon the bionic squirrel panda raccoon, part 3!

PREVIOUSLY ON SIMON THE BIONIC RACCOON - Simon defeated the postman with a clever plan, but after collecting the shimmering orb he needed to unlock the the ancient tomb, his house suddenly violently exploded!!!

AND NOW!

The flaming bits of wreckage rained down on the surrounding vegetation, Simon's house had been destroyed in a gigantic all consuming fireball of instant death.

"That was a little too close!" Simon breathed from several miles away where he now stood with a mysterious stranger. Pausing to wipe his bionic brow with a napkin he had stolen from the fast food restaurant the week before where he had fought the reanimated chicken to gain the third orb, Simon slipped in a quick flashback -

The point counter came to an end, and Simon, with his paw upthrust to show off the orb, looked about him. Suddenly, flames erupted from all sides, the explosion was rushing towards him, but someone yanked him out of the way and carried him to safety! Except he'd dropped the orb! So he fought his way free, ran back into the exploding house, slid under the chair, sneezed on the same dust bunny, knocked his shin against the piano and with a free arm (the other was very expensive) snatched the orb. Wasting only enough time to check his answering machine, he sprinted from his house as it finished instantaneously exploding!!!

"That was a little too... wait I've already said that." Simon redundantly said. For the first time he turned to get a decent look at his mysterious rescuer, who for the viewer suddenly stopped being a silhouette, revealing itself to be a female bionic raccoon in a black bodysuit.

"Greetings Simon, I am Natasha!"

Simon raised an eyebrow, and commented "I find you physically attractive!"

Natasha immediately kicked Simon in the genitals, and then elbowed him in the head while he lay on the ground in pain - this demonstrated that she was a 'strong confident female character who refused to be stereotyped' stereotype. Natasha then blushed and turned away and giggled, to indicate that she was secretly flattered by his attention.

Simon finished vomiting and treating himself for a serious concussion and stood up. "Still there's no time for chit chat, we need to recover the rest of the orbs of power before the evil terrorist organisation that controls all the governments and engineers UFO sightings as a cover for their illegal experiments into oversized marionettes retrieves them and uses their power to resurrect a dinosaur."

Natasha nodded.

After retrieving the remaining two orbs from their powerful guardians, Natasha and Simon arrived at the ancient tomb, and prepared to enter by doing leg stretches.

Natasha stopped her Ronald McDonald impression and looked suddenly serious. "You do know what the price will be if we fail, right?"

Simon shook his head while making a ptttttttht sound with his lips.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Simon the bionic monkey salesman small African republic raccoon, part 4!

PREVIOUSLY ON SIMON THE BIONIC RACCOON - Simon teams up with the beautiful Natasha The Bionic Raccoon to retrieve the power orbs in order to enter the ancient tomb to save the world from an evil terrorist plot!

AND NOW!

Standing before the giant imposing doors of the ancient tomb and dwarfed by their majestic ancientness, Simon couldn't help but think about that rash that had been starting to form on his left inner thigh.

Natasha took all 57 orbs of swirling power from the rucksack Simon had been using to carry them and began inserting them into the special indentations. "By placing them in the correct sequence, the doors will be unsealed for the first time in ten thousand years!"

Simon performed a forwards roll and responded "Yes, I know, I read the ancient parchment just the same as you did. In fact I made a photocopy when it was circulating at work and had it pinned up in my cubicle until I replaced it with a particularly witty Dilbert cartoon where the boss was being stupid, and Dilbert was being clever."

As the last orb was inserted there was a click, and a deep rumbling from the temple. Natasha stood back and gasped in awe.

"How does that even work?" Simon asked, examining the nearest orb now seated firmly in it's hole. "I mean, the whole thing's ten thousand years old, there's no conceivable mechanism for any kind of system to tell if something's been inserted into these holes, let alone if it's the *right* orb or not, and now look, the place is now opening like a stone slab version of a supermarket sliding door. And if that's supposed to be powered by a counter weight, that's one heck of a pulley."

Natasha raised an eyebrow. Then the other one. Then lowered both. Then raise them again. Then crossed her eyes. "Everyone knows primitive civilisations could build complicated machines out of parts with a higher durability than any modern manufacturing process could manage! Now let's go!"

Simon took the lead as they crossed over the threshold out of the warmth of the day and into the eerie cold of a burial site that had been sealed tight by mystical forces for the last ten thousand years.

"AH HAH! I knew you would come here Simon, so we arrived early and waited for you to fall into our trap!" came a voice from a head. A head wearing black glasses and attached to a body wearing a long black overcoat.

Natasha gasped. "It's the evil Dr Killalot, from the shadowy organisation who controls the worlds governments and ultimately plans to use this tomb's power to resurrect a dinosaur! Also, he's brought along some Nazi's!"

The two World War 2 German soldiers stood to attention along side the dark and sinister Dr Killalot. "Drop your weapons, raccoons. While we are currently unarmed, I assure you I have a small pistol I could produce from my bag in a matter of minutes. You have no choice."

Simon sighed. "He's right, there's nothing we can do. We must simply surrender ourselves and wait for our enemies to capture us, put us in a cell together, and leave the premises while trusting us to the care of a single sleepy guard."

Simon lowered his AK 47 and tossed it to the floor before raising his arms. Natasha followed suit by tossing down her flamethrower and various assorted sidearms. Dr Killalot, meanwhile, was rummaging through his bag.

"Ah here we go, damn, it's not loaded... hang on, how does this work again? Oh, ah, there we go!" Dr Killalot raised the gun and pointed it directly at Simon's head. Acting like a rational villain when faced with an irritating hero, he immediately pulled the trigger, shooting Simon in the face.

TO BE CONTINUED!?

Oh alright, Simon the Bionic Raccoon part.... uhh *counts fingers* 5! I have five fingers! So it must be part 5.

PREVIOUSLY ON SIMON THE BIONIC RACCOON - Simon got shot in the face by Dr Killalot.

AND NOW!

The sudden and shocking sight of seeing her companion shot forced Natasha to act on instinct alone - so she swiftly scurried from the ancient temple, and began roaming the nearby forest and hunting insects, earthworms and field mice.

Simon began to stir, but swiftly realised the futility of such an action without soup or beverage, and so instead sat up and rubbed his head.

"Thank goodness that bullet bounced off my bullet deflecting bionic implant!" he announced, now leaping to his feet and squaring off against the vicious Dr and his Nazi allies.

"Curses! If only I had packed more than one bullet!" Killalot cried, before motioning to the uniformed soldiers by his side. "Get him boys!"

Simon started with a flurry of devastating kicks and punches, then decided to move close to his opponents so he could hit them. Simon dispatched the Nazi's quickly, wrapping them up in brown paper boxes and handing them to couriers that had arrived outside the temple.

Now alone and outmatched, Dr Killalot quickly escaped on bicycle. Simon stood with paws on hips, watching him go. "That's right Dr Killalot, I think we've seen the last of you until you show up again next episode!"

Pushing further into the temple, Simon entered the main chamber. Giant flashing cylinders towered above him, and descended deep into a pit below. A narrow bridge lead to a central control panel with keyboard, all chiselled out of stone.

"Gasp!" Gasped Simon, "It's the legendary Mayan super computer! Rumoured to have been built by ancient Mayan labourers, under the directions of ancient Mayan priests, and programmed by ancient Mayan CS graduates. If I don't stop the Evil Terrorist Organisation That Secretly Controls The World's Governments from getting their hands on this, we'll all be doomed!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

Simon the Bionic Raccoon part 6

PREVIOUSLY ON SIMON THE BIONIC RACCOON - After defeating Dr Killalot's men, Simon went on to discover the ancient Mayan super computer!

AND NOW!

Looking at the Mayan computer in a mix of horror, amusement and mild constipation, only one thing was clear.

So Simon popped out his Bionic eyes gave them a quick spit shine and inserted them back into his sockets, resulting in everything being clear.

"Of course! I understand the Secret Terrorist Organisation That Secretly Controls All The World's Government's entire evil plan now! And they must not get their hands on this computer!" Simon paused to take some multivitamins to address his iron deficiency. "It's so deviously simple, the ancient Mayans knew everything, including the exact DNA of dinosaurs. Just think what they could do with the power of, say, a single stegosaurus!"

Simon paused to imagine a trained Stegosaurus wandering leisurely down a busy street then sitting on a car.

"It will be the end of society as we know it! I must shut down the computer!" Simon bounded across the walkway, and accessing the main interface, desperately sought singles in his area using an online dating service.

"Wait, there's no time!" Simon declared, mistaking the lack of a visible system clock on the ancient Mayan computer interface to be an indication that temporal motion had somehow ceased in this universe. Recovering quickly Simon activated the system shutdown.

"System shutdown attempted - safety protocol engaged!" The computer proceeded to mix navy and orange tartan with green and pink stripes.

"This doesn't look good" commented Simon.

"WARNING! WARNING!" the computer continued, "TO SHUT DOWN MAYAN COMPUTER, SUPER COMPUTER MUST BE BEATEN IN A GAME OF CHESS!"

Simon nodded his head solemnly to a metal track in his personal CD player. "Ok Computer, we play chess and if I win, you shut down. What if I lose?"

"THEN YOU WILL BE IMPALED BY A THOUSAND RADIOACTIVE SPIKES AND FIRED INTO THE SUN. There will also be a five minute temporary ban from playing me again."

Simon gasped. Then played that snake game on his mobile phone for a while. "Very well computer, I accept your terms!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

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